Loving Myself to Wholeness - A Self-Love & Radical Acceptance Journey

​“Well, I don’t hardly know her”…
Over ten years ago, I asked to see the TRUTH no matter how hard it was to see.  What unfolded from that prayer was profoundly life-changing.  It became an invitation to hold a mirror to myself and ask if the life I was living was what I would want for my daughter.  It was a wake up call to see how lost and disempowered I was.  And while most would have you believe that women are losing themselves in motherhood, I could see that I lost myself way before that...

​I started contemplating how and when this all happened.   When did life become so painful that I just checked out?

Piece by piece I was shown how damaging the effects of mainstream parenting, schooling, media, religion and our culture at large were on my development and the massive role that they played in shaping the person I became.

I’ve spent the last 10+ years vigilantly protecting my children from being subjected to anything that didn’t align with these truths.  Every choice was made with the deepest of intentions…from what we consumed in our bodies, hearts, and minds to how we spent our time.

My children are who they are today because of the undying commitment I made to keep the world at bay for them.  I stood guard knowing that their innocence, their wholeness, and their innate worth was at stake.  I knew the cost was too immense to risk anything else than to stay true to this path.

What didn’t come until much later was how much work that I needed to do to heal from a lifetime of being lost and disconnected from myself.  The last couple of years has been a journey of healing.  Constant reflection.  Pulling back the layers, continually holding a mirror to myself, tirelessly looking at all the ways that I twisted myself, jumped through other people’s hoops, and accepted then conformed to the narrative of what a girl and a woman should be in our society.

Hyper-sexualized, worth tied to the male-gaze, being the good girl and all the niceties, playing small, dimming my light, and doing what I was told.  It’s been a process of shedding anything that isn’t my authentic self, coming back home to myself, collecting and reclaiming all the fragmented parts that got lost along the way…returning to wholeness. It’s been a heart wrenching journey of forgiveness and acceptance for all of the ways that I betrayed myself in exchange for love or the approval of others.

It’s been me tending to my inner child and aligning with the highest version of myself.  It’s been a journey of self-love and a remembrance of who I was before the world got its hands on me. It’s been filled with grief and rage…the depths of the pain almost swallowed me whole...sometimes daily.  It’s been there the whole time, but I was so busy numbing myself and distracting myself in socially acceptable ways to see it…or feel it.

But I’m still standing.  And I love the person that I am…and all the versions of myself that did whatever they needed to to get me to this point.  Without the drugs, and the alcohol, and the stupid reruns to keep me distracted and comfortably numb, I might not have made it.  But I did…despite so many of those choices putting my life in grave danger…more times than I can count.  When I reflect on my teen years, I can honestly say that being alive today is nothing short of a miracle.

It’s impossible to fully appreciate where I am today without taking into account all that I have overcome. And as hard as it it to speak about all of it, I feel called to share some of the most intimate and vulnerable parts of my story. Not for sympathy or attention, but because you may think “it can’t be that bad” or “I have it way worse”.

In truth, it’s a calling I can’t ignore…I’ve tried.

The intention is to inspire you to hold a mirror to yourself.  To say that it’s never too late to take back your power and return to wholeness.  Have hope dear one…the potential to heal, to grow, to evolve, and create a life of your dreams is resting in your hands.

No one is coming to save you. It’s time to save yourself.

​“On this sacred path of Radical Acceptance, rather than striving for perfection, we discover how to love ourselves into wholeness.” - @tarabrach